As I wrote in one the last post, there were a second meeting with T in the last week.
This time the meeting was not as relaxed as the first meeting.
It was more of a meeting full of restlessness and anxiety that prevailed in me.
I can not describe how I was scared, but I had the feeling that T could do physical damage to me this time.
I do not know why!
We skyped the night before.
Maybe it was because he made allusions that I did not understand, and he did not explain these allusions.
For example, T said, “I like you a lot. No matter what happens tomorrow – that you should never forget! “
When I asked if I should be worried, I got the answer: “I‘ll take care of you.”
Friday, when I visited T, he made these allusions again.
For example, he said, “I‘ll miss you.” Of course, this is no indication that he really would have wanted to physically harm me, but by allusions of the evening before, it made for me the impression that T could hurt me.
I felt really scared that day.
I could not relax and could not enjoy the session.
Sure, the fears were for nothing, but they blocked me.
Okay, you can now argue that a slave did not have to enjoy a session, but if you have no confidence as a slave (bottom), a BDSM session is already doomed to crash.
On this day, no breath control was possible for me. – At least not extreme breath control. There was only a short breath play.
I still have this bad feelings from friday.
For example, T wanted that I should take a third deep breath from the popper bottle after I already took two deep breaths.
At that moment, my heart was beating to my ear. Felt like my pulse was at 200 or more beats per minute and I felt very dizzy.
If I would have taken a third breath, so my fear that day, that I would I be unconscious, perhaps with a heart attack or other emergency.
Although I am young and my heart is healthy, I thought that another breath from the bottle with poppers would have been too much.
To be fair I also have to say that every time Master T. let go off me if I gave him a stop signal.
T and I see us in a week. I‘m going to share and clarify my concerns and thoughts of this meeting.
What do you think? Was I overly sensitive?
Yours
EmoBCSMSlave